Hindsight is 2020

My bags were packed weeks ago

But I’ve got nowhere else to go

I put all my thoughts in a slow cooker

My feelings packed into fireworks

My actions fell off the sleigh

My voice stuck singing in someone else’s dream

My stay home entertainment is juggling with the what ifs

What if I loved a little more

What if I hated a little less

What if I went for that adventure

What if I didn’t get so seasick

What if I gave myself a chance to be homesick

Instead of being sick of my home

What if I realized sooner that hoME is wherever I’m with ME?

Another year gone by wasting time on not being okay.

“Getting better” says look on the bright-side

Honesty says I’m on the wrong-side of happiness.

The side that is so dark that the sun sets at 4:30.

Happy New Year says Hopeful New Year

Experience says it will happen again.

“getting better” says I can change

Being whole says I’ll always stay the same.

Time says I need to reach out

Safety says “maybe tomorrow”

I say I can’t rid myself of this perpetual dissatisfaction unless I do something, go somewhere, talk to someone, find a way to say something, or follow some other path

Society says stay home.

My perspective is standing on top of a mountain staring down at the path that I have taken to get to this point

Last year, I walked the same trail and looked down the same path repeatedly

This year, if I lift my head up, and look all around; what view will I see?

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My Honest Poem

Hi,

My name’s Chris

I’m 25 years old

When I was a littlekid my mom would always call me kissy Chrissy

And I’m still embarrassed about it to this day

But it reminds me that I used to show all the love and affection that I had in my heart without worrying about what other people would say of it

I love ice cream… too much sometimes

I like laughing so hard until I make the whole room stare

And dancing like my demons can’t catch me

I let my eyes say the words that my lips can’t shape

My humour is scary

But my hugs are safe

I’ve been told that I’m soft

That I feel too much with my heart

So I’ve tried to make my muscles hard

And to feel with the strength in my grip

My closet is full of salmon colored shirts

But I don’t like to fish

In life I find myself

On a constant pursuit of happiness

I’ve got the words “you are enough” tattooed on my arm

But I still struggle to believe them

I’ve got a semi colon tattooed on my side because my story isn’t finished

Just like all the half-written suicide notes on my bedside table

The words “I am NOT enough” are tattooed all over those notes

It’s a constant battle between “I am” and “I am not”

Sometimes I give in to all the negativity that I have fought

And those are the days I can’t get out of bed

Those are the days I can’t get out of my own head

I often like to wear hawaiin shirts

as if sad people never wear flowers

I have so much self-doubt

But people who have seen me say I have super powers

They say my happiness is contagious

That my life is super couragous

I’ve spent times in my life being so low that I have wanted to die

But those times have taught me to keep chasing the feeling of being truly alive

To me, being truly alive means connecting with people. It means being with them in their darkest moments and letting them sit with me in mine

In those moments I feel Goodness and my heart perfectly align

And the happiness that I am pursuing

The happiness that we are ALL pursuing

May bring us together.

Stupid F*cking Movies

Spoiler alert i guess…

So this stupid f*cking movie called A star is born is stupid and I’m going to tell you why.

IT MAKES SUICIDE LOOK BEAUTIFUL

Bradley Cooper (the main character) gets drugged up and hangs himself using his belt and a ceiling fan.  He leaves his brother behind, as well as his wife who clearly loves him more than anything.  I’ll give the movie one thing, it does a good job portraying addiction.

BUT

The end of the movie is supposed to be beautiful.  In a movie review it literally says that the star is born in the end because “Ally at the end of the movie is just starting. What’s she going to create is going to be even bigger than what we’ve seen prior.” So what the point is that if the love of your life kills themselves it means your going to be able to write some really songs?  I don’t think she is going to give a sh*t about being a star anymore if she could have him back.

Then it says “…the human courage to persevere and to move forward. I just thought this was brilliant”  Yeah bloody f*cking brilliant.  It’s so easy she can just move on and have a great life and itll be beautiful.  Like he just kills himself and she sings a song and then it ends.  Like that’s it.  What about the fact she, no, everyone he’s ever connected with has to try to live the rest of their lives with this gaping f*cking hole in their heart.  Like the movie just gets to end, real life doesn’t work that way.

SUICIDE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL

Suicide is ugly.  Suicide is brutal.  Suicide is forever.  Suicide hurts so many people.  Just thinking about suicide hurts so many people.  The movie industry has no idea about the impact it has on people.  Like how many more people are going to be thinking of killing themselves because of this movie?  How many more people are actually going to do it? This movie makes it seem like suicide is an answer.  It says she’ll be better off without him.  No person is ever better off after something like that.  Suicide is never an answer.  It is devastating.  And it is devastating that we could suggest that suicide is anything but ugly.  What about the people who can’t go home now because they don’t know what they would do?  You can’t put suicide into people’s minds like this.  You just can’t.

Stupid F*ucking Movie.

 

 

Stay at home boyfriend?

 

I could be a stay at home boyfriend.

Wait… could I be a stay at home boyfriend?

I’m sure everyone is somewhat aware of the concept. However generally it occurs the opposite way. A woman finds a man, often older but more importantly richer, and they stay with him. He makes all the money and they just get to live at home and never work during their life. And if you’re like me then I’ve sure you’ve had your moments where you’ve thought “ah that wouldn’t be so bad.” So could I, a 22 year old somewhat attractive young man with no impressive set of skills, be content, happy, or in any way fulfilled by living the life of a stay at home boyfriend?

First of all we have no idea what feelings I could have for this hypothetical woman, both physically and emotionally, so let’s just skip past that minor detail (haha).

I’m bad at housework as it is. And I don’t like doing it. Folding the laundry is an extremely painful experience for me and I don’t see how doing it more often could change how strongly I feel about it. If you want to know how I do washing dishes just talk to my roommates. So I think you get the point. We are off to a rough start. However, as someone who currently has no idea what they are doing with their life, having that weight taken off my shoulders sounds like a blessing. I would have a purpose. Right? Just keep things in order and then my life would be taken care of.

Wrong. I’m starting to believe that the reason I have struggled so much with finding my true passion and more importantly channeling my passion into actually doing something is because I need something big in my life. I need to accomplish great things or I will never be satisfied. I could take away so many of the struggles I deal with in my current life. Where is my next paycheque coming from? What am I going to pursue? Who am I going to pursue? I could answer all of the common questions I ask myself. That would be nice. But would I capture the art of fulfillment? Hard no on that one captain.

But what if I never achieve fulfillment? What if I never find my true purpose, my bliss? I still have to try. I believe the journey will be worth it if maybe, somehow, I can get away with doing a little less laundry.

-Christopher

Is it a disorder or just an order

Sometimes I sit down when the buzzing in my head is at a high and I try to write out what it means.

It always comes out different.

And now I’m afraid it could hurt other people. That’s not what I want at all. Part of me think I write to find a way to help others. Part of me wants to write to try to help myself. The only reason I started writing was to just try to figure some of it out. But I have never written in my journal or on the internet with the intention of putting blame on other people for my difficulties or expressing any distaste.

But I guess I’m not perfect. Haha.

Cause if I was I wouldn’t be here 🙂

Thank you for understanding my difficulties. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your desire to move on.

Love yourself. Work on yourself. I’ll be here working on me.

-Christopher