What was the last thing you truly wanted?
I feel like I’m living a life that ain’t mine.
And every time i share some of my mental health story to the public, and i get positive feedback, I feel a glimpse of what my life should be.
Sometimes I feel so high that I envision myself being famous, I envision myself being known world wide as an advocate for mental health, i see myself helping people through their struggles on a daily basis. I see myself in a movie. And i see it so vividly that i believe it to be true. Like there is no way that this doesn’t happen. Because i am meant for greatness and it is only a matter of time before i rise to it.
Sometimes i feel so low that i cant get out of bed and get something to eat because i am not worthy of life. I cant get out of this darkness because if someone sees me trying to escape it they will spit on me and shove me back down into the dungeon that is my head.
Every time I write I am trying to get people to understand what I am going through every minute of everyday. My mind does not take a break. And i will keep writing because i will never find a way to explain exactly how it feels.
People don’t understand the high. I feel so good, so full of energy. Cocaine couldn’t begin to understand the high that my own brain can give me. There is absolutely nothing in the world that could bring me down. One day someone broke into my car and stole my stuff and I didn’t hesitate for a second. They must’ve needed that stuff more than me. Isn’t the circle of life beautiful? The world balances itself out and I can just keep living, keep smiling.
Wouldn’t a normal response be hey my sh*t just got stolen that kinda sucks?
People don’t understand the low. There is literally a voice inside my head screaming at my every move, my every thought. The voice is me. The voice isn’t ME. The voice doesn’t go away it just is quiet sometimes and louder at other times. My mind almost always knows whats best, but my voice shuts it down a lot. My thoughts go hey Chris you’re feeling down because you’ve been in bed all day. Maybe if you just get out of bed your head will clear up a bit. My voice goes Chris you’ve been in bed all day because that is all you’re good for. I go but voice I gotta make it to class today. My voice says but everyone will see you and I’ll tell them how fucked up you are and everyone will judge you. What would you do?
I work and I work. I have a civil war between my ears. It is all about the small victories. The voice told me I can’t get out of bed today. So I don’t get my homework done. But I make it to class. Win. I play it off like I was too cool to do my homework. I get a couple more wins. I make it to the gym or out for a run. I get the good drugs pumping through my head. I get a couple more wins. I keep battling. I keep working at it. You don’t think I can get out of bed? Too bad, I’m f*cking doing it. And then one day I wake up and the sun is shining.
Right now I’m waiting for that day. And it can’t come soon enough.
I WANT this voice to f*ck off.
Cause this life ain’t mine.