What was the last thing you really wanted?
This is the post excerpt.
What was the last thing you really wanted?
What was the last thing you truly wanted?
I feel like I’m living a life that ain’t mine.
And every time i share some of my mental health story to the public, and i get positive feedback, I feel a glimpse of what my life should be.
Sometimes I feel so high that I envision myself being famous, I envision myself being known world wide as an advocate for mental health, i see myself helping people through their struggles on a daily basis. I see myself in a movie. And i see it so vividly that i believe it to be true. Like there is no way that this doesn’t happen. Because i am meant for greatness and it is only a matter of time before i rise to it.
Sometimes i feel so low that i cant get out of bed and get something to eat because i am not worthy of life. I cant get out of this darkness because if someone sees me trying to escape it they will spit on me and shove me back down into the dungeon that is my head.
Every time I write I am trying to get people to understand what I am going through every minute of everyday. My mind does not take a break. And i will keep writing because i will never find a way to explain exactly how it feels.
People don’t understand the high. I feel so good, so full of energy. Cocaine couldn’t begin to understand the high that my own brain can give me. There is absolutely nothing in the world that could bring me down. One day someone broke into my car and stole my stuff and I didn’t hesitate for a second. They must’ve needed that stuff more than me. Isn’t the circle of life beautiful? The world balances itself out and I can just keep living, keep smiling.
Wouldn’t a normal response be hey my sh*t just got stolen that kinda sucks?
People don’t understand the low. There is literally a voice inside my head screaming at my every move, my every thought. The voice is me. The voice isn’t ME. The voice doesn’t go away it just is quiet sometimes and louder at other times. My mind almost always knows whats best, but my voice shuts it down a lot. My thoughts go hey Chris you’re feeling down because you’ve been in bed all day. Maybe if you just get out of bed your head will clear up a bit. My voice goes Chris you’ve been in bed all day because that is all you’re good for. I go but voice I gotta make it to class today. My voice says but everyone will see you and I’ll tell them how fucked up you are and everyone will judge you. What would you do?
I work and I work. I have a civil war between my ears. It is all about the small victories. The voice told me I can’t get out of bed today. So I don’t get my homework done. But I make it to class. Win. I play it off like I was too cool to do my homework. I get a couple more wins. I make it to the gym or out for a run. I get the good drugs pumping through my head. I get a couple more wins. I keep battling. I keep working at it. You don’t think I can get out of bed? Too bad, I’m f*cking doing it. And then one day I wake up and the sun is shining.
Right now I’m waiting for that day. And it can’t come soon enough.
I WANT this voice to f*ck off.
Cause this life ain’t mine.
It’s about moments. Moments of bliss. We do it all. We battle. We get up when we can’t stand. We shout when we have no words. We listen when we can’t hear outside our own head. We feel for others when we cannot feel ourselves.
We hear people tell us that it gets better. We do not believe them. But we keep going. We go minutes, hours, days, weeks, months without hope. We keep going. Why? We battle. All for those moments. We don’t know when they come. We cannot always create them. But they are life. Moments of bliss. When you are surrounded by friends and loved ones and you realize that you are just laughing in the moment. You escape all the darkness. And by the time you have come to the realization of this moment, it is already gone. Quicker then it came. But it was bliss. We get up. We eat. We shower. We go to work. We go to school. We battle to do all the things that we are supposed to be able to do everyday. It is so hard. We keep going. We will never stop. Why? Moments of bliss. They are magical. They are what makes us alive. They are ineffable and unexplainable. And they will always come again, no matter how long they disappear for. So we keep going. Because all of the struggles are worth it.
It is only for a moment.
“All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I’ll find soMEbody”
To the kid I never knew-
“If I fail this test I’m going to jump off the building” I’ve heard similar words being said thousands of times while I walk through the library. And I’m sure you heard them too. Too bad no one realized just how real those words could be.
But of course I don’t know why you did it. I didn’t even know you. This is all I will ever know you for. Many students will shutter at the thought of “the kid who jumped off the library roof”
I don’t know why you did it.
I don’t know you.
But I wish I did.
And I wish I could say there will be only good things left behind. But they will talk. “What kind of loser does that” “that’s so selfish” “I couldn’t even enjoy my Starbucks”
I remember my high school history teacher informing a class full of young students that anyone who commits suicide is a coward. That word has stuck in my mind ever since. Coward.
But I don’t think you’re a coward. Not at all. I think you’re brave. And no one will know just how much courage it took for you to hold on as long as you did.
Isn’t it hard to explain what it’s like to be driving down the highway to go to school and to wonder if you could turn the car and drive head on into the cement barrier. To take your meds every morning and wonder how many of them you’d have to take to die. To look out a buildings window and wonder if the fall would be enough to kill you.
Yes they will talk. And they will show that the negative outlook on mental illness is alive and well. But I want you to know that you didn’t die for nothing. You’ve given us a gift, whether people want to admit it or not.
Because of you, people will hug their friends and family a little tighter. They might end stupid arguments that have been going on for too long. They might smile at the stranger walking past them on the staircase.
Maybe “Go kill yourself” could stop being a common insult and instead could be the words no one ever says.
Maybe the words “I’d jump off this building” won’t be joked about anymore.
To the kid I never knew
I hope you have lost all the guilt and shame that came along with those thoughts.
I hope people may see you for who you were; not a loser or a crazy person but a good kid fighting an invisible war.
I hope you never have to see another person face the same choice.
I hope you have peace.
Spoiler alert i guess…
So this stupid f*cking movie called A star is born is stupid and I’m going to tell you why.
IT MAKES SUICIDE LOOK BEAUTIFUL
Bradley Cooper (the main character) gets drugged up and hangs himself using his belt and a ceiling fan. He leaves his brother behind, as well as his wife who clearly loves him more than anything. I’ll give the movie one thing, it does a good job portraying addiction.
The end of the movie is supposed to be beautiful. In a movie review it literally says that the star is born in the end because “Ally at the end of the movie is just starting. What’s she going to create is going to be even bigger than what we’ve seen prior.” So what the point is that if the love of your life kills themselves it means your going to be able to write some really songs? I don’t think she is going to give a sh*t about being a star anymore if she could have him back.
Then it says “…the human courage to persevere and to move forward. I just thought this was brilliant” Yeah bloody f*cking brilliant. It’s so easy she can just move on and have a great life and itll be beautiful. Like he just kills himself and she sings a song and then it ends. Like that’s it. What about the fact she, no, everyone he’s ever connected with has to try to live the rest of their lives with this gaping f*cking hole in their heart. Like the movie just gets to end, real life doesn’t work that way.
SUICIDE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL
Suicide is ugly. Suicide is brutal. Suicide is forever. Suicide hurts so many people. Just thinking about suicide hurts so many people. The movie industry has no idea about the impact it has on people. Like how many more people are going to be thinking of killing themselves because of this movie? How many more people are actually going to do it? This movie makes it seem like suicide is an answer. It says she’ll be better off without him. No person is ever better off after something like that. Suicide is never an answer. It is devastating. And it is devastating that we could suggest that suicide is anything but ugly. What about the people who can’t go home now because they don’t know what they would do? You can’t put suicide into people’s minds like this. You just can’t.
Stupid F*ucking Movie.
“You already have everything you need right now in this very moment to be at ease with your life and yourself.” -Mark Van Buren
I don’t want to be preaching the exact same mindful words that every one else is preaching about ‘living in the present’ but with that in mind, why is everyone preaching it? Because it’s so unbelievably true and because we as habitual humans NEED to be reminded of this constantly. Personally, this summer has been full of objective destinations. I NEEDed to get a nice new vehicle. I NEEDed to get a nice new place. And I NEEDed to get my body into peak physical appearance.
Now I can see my summer of free time nearing an end and I’m looking back at what I accomplished. It is so easy to look at it objectively. I got a new vehicle. I’m moving into a new place. My working out wasn’t quite that successful… but you get the point. No. These THINGS have not changed me at all. What have I actually accomplished over the past 2 months? I made huge strides with my mental health getting a new diagnosis and new medications to trial. I worked on myself as both a friend and a roommate in figuring out what is truly important to me. I’ve made small steps in owning my emotions and learning to recognize when I’m going into one of my phases.
Right now, in this very moment, I have everything I NEED to live a long as happy life. If someone asks me in person I might say I’m trying to save my money for someTHING, I might tell you about the new stuff I got, and I might tell you about the drinks I had. But right now me and you are gonna share a little secret; that sh*t doesn’t matter. I matter. You matter. Sh*t doesn’t matter.
Thanks for listening.
Growing up I was constantly asked “WHAT do you want to be when you grow up?”
Of course I didn’t know the answer to this question. After some time I would respond “I want to be a fire truck”
Many people laughed and took this for face value, as a silly kid giving a silly answer.
The way I see it was giving a dumb answer to an even dumber question.
Of course a “fire truck” will never define what I become.
And neither will a “doctor”, nor a “fast food worker” nor a “criminal”
Silly adults, asking WHAT will I become as if one label will define my entire self.
I hope that one day people will ask my parents what there son is doing and they will reply “he is happy” and they will be proud.
When will we ask WHO do you want to become. And I’m not talking about super-man. I’m talking about super-Chris.
What morals will you hold dear to your heart? What memories will always make you crack a smile. What experiences will teach you valuable lessons? What goals will you put your all into? How will you learn hard work, determination, and resiliency? What challenges will teach you what is and what isn’t “worth it”? Do you want to get caught up in your failures or entranced in “what else ya got?”
When I was a kid people told me I was so smart I could be a lawyer. So eventually I said I wanted to be a lawyer. And then when I stopped feeling smart I stopped thinking I could be a lawyer. Truth is “super-Chris” was never a lawyer. “Super-Chris” is getting back up again after falling down for the millionth time. Super-Chris is saying the things that his head told him he could never say, and taking the leaps of faith that his head told him he could never take. Super-Chris is casually answering a phone call at midnight and talking a friend down from a panic attack. Because Chris isn’t perfect and he gets insomnia sometimes but maybe that doesn’t mean something is wrong with him but instead it gives him an opportunity to be there for someone. Super Chris isn’t a lawyer, super Chris is walking into a room with confidence and laughing so hard everyone in the room has to laugh back.
Lawyer-Chris could probably get his research paper in on time, but super-Chris can probably give someone else the ideas and strength to finish their essay and to not give up on themselves.
Lawyer Chris would probably learn to hide his sensitivity and act like words cannot hurt him. Super Chris can probably wear his heart on his sleeve, so EVERYONE can see his true self. And with a heart right there, maybe he can stay true to it. Maybe he can realize his passions and chase them relentlessly. Maybe he can pursue happiness and enjoy the ride. And maybe he’ll get that essay done…. eventually.
“WHAT do you want to be when you grow up?”
How about “WHO do you want to be when you grow up?”
I think I’ll be Chris.
#becomingchristopher #wannabe #positivity #mentality
I could be a stay at home boyfriend.
Wait… could I be a stay at home boyfriend?
I’m sure everyone is somewhat aware of the concept. However generally it occurs the opposite way. A woman finds a man, often older but more importantly richer, and they stay with him. He makes all the money and they just get to live at home and never work during their life. And if you’re like me then I’ve sure you’ve had your moments where you’ve thought “ah that wouldn’t be so bad.” So could I, a 22 year old somewhat attractive young man with no impressive set of skills, be content, happy, or in any way fulfilled by living the life of a stay at home boyfriend?
First of all we have no idea what feelings I could have for this hypothetical woman, both physically and emotionally, so let’s just skip past that minor detail (haha).
I’m bad at housework as it is. And I don’t like doing it. Folding the laundry is an extremely painful experience for me and I don’t see how doing it more often could change how strongly I feel about it. If you want to know how I do washing dishes just talk to my roommates. So I think you get the point. We are off to a rough start. However, as someone who currently has no idea what they are doing with their life, having that weight taken off my shoulders sounds like a blessing. I would have a purpose. Right? Just keep things in order and then my life would be taken care of.
Wrong. I’m starting to believe that the reason I have struggled so much with finding my true passion and more importantly channeling my passion into actually doing something is because I need something big in my life. I need to accomplish great things or I will never be satisfied. I could take away so many of the struggles I deal with in my current life. Where is my next paycheque coming from? What am I going to pursue? Who am I going to pursue? I could answer all of the common questions I ask myself. That would be nice. But would I capture the art of fulfillment? Hard no on that one captain.
But what if I never achieve fulfillment? What if I never find my true purpose, my bliss? I still have to try. I believe the journey will be worth it if maybe, somehow, I can get away with doing a little less laundry.